Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Randomize
