You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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