I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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