I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
