I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
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