Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
