This dress was meant to end up on your floor
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize