This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
