Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
