He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
