Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
