Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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