don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
