Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
