i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Randomize
