if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
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i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
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The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
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