you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
