Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
found the other keg... it's in the tree
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
