Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize