i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
she told me i tasted like america
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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