Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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