He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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