I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
