Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
