I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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