I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
