Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
