I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize