Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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