When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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