I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
