He uses pillows to masturbate.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
