we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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