I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
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