The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.