I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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