So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
