All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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