had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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