i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
