if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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