I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
