My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Randomize
