i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
