I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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