wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
