She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
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its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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