So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
