I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
