I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
