somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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