you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
