i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
