She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
