I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
